8 days out...

so right now, i dont exactly know what to think about everything that is going on. 
i mean, things dont feel like they are coming to an end. 
it doesnt feel like i have spent a year in this wonderful country. 
it doesnt feel like everything is going to drasticly change once more.
i dont exactly know how i feel. 
im doing all these every day normal life routine things; for instance, i just spent the past 5 days in Sao joao del rei with rita and cissa again. Once again, i had an amazing time, and it wasnt until it was time to say goodbye that I realised that it was a last time thing, not a see you later type of thing. 
this keeps happening to me, and its so much harder than you can ever imagine. 
my host mum said to me the other day that i am now into the 'last' stage, meaning that every day from now on, i will be saying to myself 'this is my last wednesday in brasil' or ' this is the last time i will see these people' or 'this is my last bowl of acai in brasil' and its just so true and so hard to deal with. 


unfortunatly, i know that one thing that wont be the last until the very last minute will be the thought 'this is the last time i cry in brasil' because i know that i still have a week full of goodbyes, and lots and lots of tears to come. and thats the thing that is most unfair, because i wish more than anything that i could say to myself that this IS going to be the last time i cry, but it just doesnt work that way. 
so im not going to tell myself to toughen up, instead i will buy myself a box or two of tissues, and accept that the next week is going to be filled with lots of memories that i can keep with me forever, as well as ones that i am going to want to forget for a while, at least until i am back into the swing of things with my life back in australia, and am contempt enough to look back and remember how hard it was to leave brasil, and all of my friends, and my families, and my life, and to go back. 


so tomorrow, im going to get up in the morning, and be the strongest i can be, go to feira hippy for the last time, see two of my families for the last time and once again keep fighting on for this to be the best week of my life, because soon it feels like my life will be over, even though i know this is just a small stepping stone to bigger things in my life, and my life is infact just beginning. 
it just doesnt feel that way at the moment. 


so now you know a little bit more about how hard it is for an exchanger like me to come home; do one thing for me. dont pity me, or the situation that i am in; but also dont act like me coming home is the best thing in the  world, because for me, its not... its one of the hardest things ive had to do in my life, and although im going to be glad to be home, with my family and friends, i know that i am going to be craving the world that i will be leaving behind when i get on that plane on sunday. 


...


i guess theres nothing more to say except for...see you soon 


em